Why Do I Shut Down During Conflict? Understanding the Freeze Response

Written by Rocco Contini, MA, LPCC-S

(he/him/his)

Picture it: You and your partner are going along your normal day when something happens and someone gets upset. They begin to express frustration toward you or your behavior, something you did or said, and you also begin to get upset when suddenly…you shut down.

Your eyes drop, your shoulders roll forward, you disengage verbally and emotionally, and you feel yourself trying to escape the situation. What is this? Why is this happening?

Shutdown is a state of dysregulation, a “down regulated” nervous system state akin to playing possum. It’s a natural state all human brains are capable of slipping into during moments of conflict, stress, or any other strong emotional trigger. Although not loud and boisterous, it is still dysregulation. 

When conflict occurs, many things start to happen and get triggered at once. Your fight/flight/freeze/fawn system activates, old habits and safety mechanisms turn on, and any unresolved attachment wounds may jump to the surface. When this happens, your brain automatically starts scrolling through its files and begins to look for ways to keep you safe.

Which is the ACTUAL job of the shutdown state: It is your nervous system doing the best it can in that moment to keep you safe. Just like playing possum, it’s your nervous system trying to protect you, not work against you.

Where does this come from? As any good therapist will answer…it depends. First and foremost, as stated earlier, shutdown is a natural response built into the human brain. We’re all capable of it and probably all do it from time to time, but some more than others. Those who get into a pattern of shutdown, shutting down during most periods of conflict, stress, etc., probably have a range of life experiences wherein shutting down kept you physically and emotionally safe. It may have been the best (or even only) way your nervous system learned to navigate scary, stressful, or even traumatic moments of conflict. 

Shutdown can show up in a variety of ways. You may go silent during arguments, forget what you wanted to say or just say “I don’t know” when asked a question, cry unexpectedly, or try to find ways to make the conversation end, such as agreeing in order to end the conflict. Shutdown can also appear as becoming emotionally distant and disengaged. Not necessarily combative, but cold, distant, and overly logical rather than tapped into your emotions or the emotions of those around you.

As difficult as shutdown can be to experience, there are ways to navigate it and work through it. 

• Learn to notice the cues in your body. Slower breathing, less eye contact, slouching posture, feeling cold, heavy limbs, emotionally disconnected, etc.

• Use skills to regulate. Grounding techniques to help remain in the present moment, gross motor movement to help re-activate your nervous system, change the pace of your speech, breathing techniques focused on cold/fast air (like blowing out a candle)

• Notice the pattern between yourself and whoever you are in conflict with. Non-judgementally own your part of the pattern, then communicate an emotional need or boundary

• Therapeutic support, either individual or relational. Both individual and relationship therapy (not just couple relationships, but parent-child, siblings, etc) can help people realize what gets triggered for them during conflict, their behaviors, and how to change up their part of the pattern for a better, more connected outcome.

  
  

Shutting down is genuinely more common than many people who do it realize. It’s a natural thing that can become a problematic pattern for ourselves and our relationships. It is not a sign that something is inherently “wrong” with you, that you’re weak or uncaring, it comes from a place of needing to feel safe. Healing involves learning where it comes from and how to feel safer and more connected during difficult moments.